no, i am not engaged.
when you see me with a ring around my “ring” finger, you should know that – no, i am not engaged.
in the last few years of my life, several of my friends have gotten engaged and married, some have had children and some are pregnant right now! i have been blessed to be a part of these life-altering transitions in the lives of some of the most beautiful people i have ever known. but to be quite honest – as honest as i will ever be probably – it has also been tough.
i am not likely to be engaged at any point in my life – or to have a wedding and marry a man or get pregnant. it just isnt in the cards for me (although i do believe i am destined to be a mother, some way, some how). and while i do not need to rain on anyone’s parade – love and life are wonderful things that are always worthy of celebration, despite surrounding circumstances – i get kinda sad. if the traditional expressions of love and commitment do not match up with my experience of love – then do i not have love? i would hope not, but sometimes, in certain moments, it really does feel that way, just a little bit (okay, a lot). and while i know that thought is absurd, it hurts. it leaves me feeling outside of society and unequal to my friends and peers.
tonight i was going through some old things of mine and i found a ring that my grandma left me, a simple little ring awarded from her work for something crazy like 50 years of service or something…it has a cute little texas engraving on the side. i decided i want to wear it, and for a long time to come. my grandma was the most beautiful woman i have ever known and loved me probably more than anyone will ever love me again.
and so no, there may not be a dashing gentleman in the world that i could accept a ring from in exchange for a lifetime commitment, but that does not by any figure of the imagination mean that i am not loved. this ring reminds me of that. and god knows i need reminding. it really is quite difficult not fitting into whatever version of love it is people are used to.
Filed under: darkness, glbtq, love, Uncategorized | 1 Comment
I am a kind word uttered and repeated
By the voice of Nature;
I am a star fallen from the
Blue tent upon the green carpet.
I am the daughter of the elements
With whom Winter conceived;
To whom Spring gave birth; I was
Reared in the lap of Summer and I
Slept in the bed of Autumn.
At dawn I unite with the breeze
To announce the coming of light;
At eventide I join the birds
In bidding the light farewell.
The plains are decorated with
My beautiful colors, and the air
Is scented with my fragrance.
As I embrace Slumber the eyes of
Night watch over me, and as I
Awaken I stare at the sun, which is
The only eye of the day.
I drink dew for wine, and hearken to
The voices of the birds, and dance
To the rhythmic swaying of the grass.
I am the lover’s gift; I am the wedding wreath;
I am the memory of a moment of happiness;
I am the last gift of the living to the dead;
I am a part of joy and a part of sorrow.
But I look up high to see only the light,
And never look down to see my shadow.
This is wisdom which man must learn.
Filed under: forgiveness, the past, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Born This Way…or not
Seattle Parks Supports, Reaches Out to LGBTQ Teens
…article from Seattle Gay News & Parkways (News & Events of Seattle Parks & Rec)
Seattle Parks & Rec is upping its programming toward LGBTQ youth.
‘With the focus on youth suicides over the past year and with recent media attention to the need for increased options for Queer youth, it seemed a natural and timely fit for us to be more active in reaching out to and supporting LGBTQ teens,’ said Randy Wiger, the Parks Community Commons program coordinator.
Good job! It is no secret that gay youth are more prone to severe emotional distress and suicide than their straight peers. And it is also becoming increasingly evident that youth are much less likely to attempt suicide in supportive environments vs. unsupportive environments. So it is great to see communities gathering around these kids and offering supportive programming and activities. It is only a matter of time before these services are offered for youth all around, maybe even in Texas…
One of the outcomes of this initiative in Seattle is the Born This Way Kafé, which takes place every Friday at Cal Anderson Park shelterhouse in Seattle’s Capitol Hill neighborhood. The Kafé exists to “provide a welcoming place for Queer Youth of all Colors + ALL Allies to gather, be themselves, and have fun.”
Awesome. Except…
I am really frustrated by the “Born this Way” slogan. I love Lady Gaga and I mostly love the song (but not as much as Bad Romance…). But I do not think “Born This Way” is an appropriate slogan for LGBTQ youth or anyone really.
1. Born this Way just sounds like a bad thing. How many times have you heard someone say “I was just born this way,” and then describe something positive about themselves? Probably never, because that is not what the term means really. So using it to describe sexuality in a positive light is absurd. So annoyed about it!
2. Were you really born that way? Did your family, society, upbringing, etc. have no impact on who you find attractive, who you seek intimacy with, who you choose to partner in life with? Or is that really just determined genetically? I highly doubt it. And that is okay. The ways we are raised and the people who teach and nurture us are a part of who we are and who we become. Denying the impact of our upbringing is no better than denying the outcome in which our sexuality lies. And the phrase “born this way” does just that.
and also – I repeat #1. LGBTQ lifestyles are not bad, so don’t say folks were born with it, even if that may be partially accurate. It is like saying you were born with a particular faith or set of beliefs. It just isn’t true. Not completely. Perhaps you were born with convictions, or a tendency toward spirituality or anarchy…But you learned specific beliefs along the way that you either affirmed or denied and embraced or rejected.
That’s my spiel. Just that I wish Seattle Parks & Rec would have reconsidered the name of their Kafé. But the fact that I live in a city with a department that has LGBTQ programming to begin with is such a blessing. And they are doing great things. So I’ll shut up now.
Filed under: babies, darkness, glbtq, parenting | Leave a Comment
no leaf is lost in the fall
Isaiah 64:5-6 (First Sunday of Advent, Year B)
“You meet those who gladly do right,
those who remember you in your ways.
But you were angry, and we sinned;
because you hid yourself we transgressed.
We have all become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous deeds are like a filthy cloth.
We all fade like a leaf,
and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away. “
sometimes when we are close to people, we find ourselves playing a tug-of-war that we are not sure who instigated. oftentimes i find myself acting out in passive aggression and anger, only to find that the person i was upset with was also acting out of the same toward me, and after talking, neither party knows how or when exactly the anger and frustration began. this sometimes lasts a couple hours, maybe even days. some relationships are strained for years, and when pride takes hold there may be no recovering. life with others is nothing if not confusing, difficult, strenuous, and complicated. life with god is no different.
“But you were angry, and we sinned;
because you hid yourself we transgressed.”
it is uncertain which comes first – if god hides, or if god’s people sin. but either way – god is angry. and god’s people transgress. neither of those are favorable for either party. and it might be easy to believe that since god is god, we are of course first at fault. but I wonder, if we examine our lives, would we truly be able to see where we have first transgressed, and our drift from god has been from our own doing? for whatever reason, i have been unable to see in this light. it is not an “easy” truth for me to believe.
for a long time this meant that i was the one angry, with god. i was angry because it constantly felt as though god were hiding. or not hiding, because even then god would be present. but god felt entirely absent. i was neglected. and even though i wanted to do better in my life, i had no god to turn to for support. and so, transgression. i stopped caring. i hurt people. i really hurt myself, and will spend the rest of my life picking up those pieces, with god’s help.
i am no longer so angry. i now see that this is how things go when we are close to people. or close to god. we find ourselves in a game of tug-of-war because we cannot always get things exactly right. conflict is inevitable, and it is not always about who is right or wrong. and i no longer care who started this game, nor who wins. i only want to be at peace more often than at war.
what brings me peace today is the image of the fallen leaves.
“We all fade like a leaf,
and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away. “
by our own faults or simply due to the nature of existence, we are bound to fall. our actions and our decisions move us, often in directions we were not prepared to go. even our failure to act, our sloth and hesitations, will move us whether we like it or not. we are but fallen leaves, left for the wind to take us away.
there are five leaves left on our tree outside right now. they are hanging onto dear life, but they will fall. and i wonder what happens to them once they are no longer connected to that tree. it seems that is the end. they will not move along to find a new tree to attach their life onto. where does that leave them (get it, leave…)?
the leaves will become a part of the earth. they will combine with other forces of nature to become a new creation. they will mould into nourishment for the soil and will become the building blocks for all that grows out of the ground. that is what happens.
our god is resourceful and will be present with and in us whether we are thriving or if we find ourselves as leaves writhing. no leaf is lost in the fall, and I mean that in just about every way you would like to interpret. wherever you are at your battle of tug-of-war – if you are angry, if you have given up, if you didn’t realize you were fighting in the first place…there is peace. peace is the end of all we fight for.
but fight with grace, and with patience. anger is only a weapon used against yourself. and it will send you all over, to places uncharted and undesired. in the end anger leaves you trampled down and broken, torn to pieces.
but even then, there is hope. like i said, our god is resourceful. our god is an artist of sorts, willing to be creative with the broken pieces we have to offer.
with god, no leaf is lost in the fall.
Photos were taken (without permission, sorry Tos!) by Eratosthenes Fackenthall. He is a wonderful photographer, videographer, and human being. You should check out his work here.
Filed under: advent, church of the apostles, fall, isaiah, the past | Leave a Comment
God does not demand that we give up our personal dignity, that we throw in our lot with random people, that we lose ourselves and turn from all that is not him. God needs nothing, asks nothing, and demands nothing, like the stars. It is a life with God which demands these things.
Experience has taught the race that if knowledge of God is the end, then these habits of life are not the means but the condition in which the means operate. You do not have to do these things; not at all. God does not, I regret to report, give a hoot. You do not have to do these things – unless you want to know God. They work on you, not on him.
You do not have to sit outside in the dark. If, however, you want to look at the stars, you will find the darkness is necessary. But the stars neither require nor demand it.
from An Expedition to the Pole, Annie Dillard
Filed under: darkness | Leave a Comment
The second baby beluga has died at the Vancouver Aquarium in just over a year.
The first was from a penny thrown into the pool.
The second, this one, is unknown, but this beluga was the first to be birthed by a beluga who was also born in the aquarium…
Death is certainly a part of nature, especially among the young – but not from pennies.
Whales don’t belong in pools. Period.
They certainly shouldn’t be born into a pool, an unnatural habitat.
That pool was all this poor baby beluga ever knew…
read here for more
Filed under: babies, captivity, parenting, whales | Leave a Comment
Tags: whales
something i never thought id do:
give a homily on the 10th anniversary of 9/11
image by scott erickson
when approaching todays service, i had a hard time figuring out how to plan and how to prepare. how does one attempt to express love for God on the anniversary of tragedy? how does one attempt to communicate Gods love to a community on the anniversary of tragedy?
i have a hard time approaching tragedy in general. i do not have the most sensitive of personalities. quite honestly i have made more jokes in reference to sept 11th than i have said prayers for the victims of 9/11, or families of the victims, or the attackers, or the victims of war. that of course stems from deep anxiety over tragedy and despair. and an understanding that the state of the world is absolutely atrocious. so how could i with a clear mind even try and experience something sincere. I refuse to pretend.
i also have a hesitancy toward venerating a tragedy, particularly an american one. what about the millions of other hum/an beings who suffer at the hands of hate and evil? if i don’t make a point of remembering these lost souls, then why is it important to do so at all? these are questions some of us may have. but they are not excuses to ignore hurt and suffering in our own lands.
there is no way to quantify the suffering caused by the sept 11th attacks and the wars that ensued and remain to this day. each human life that was lost created a current of grief and sadness which has consumed so many over the last ten years, and those waves are crashing even under the skin of some of you, my friends, on this day.
while i seem to have a way of distancing myself from even this most horrific of events to happen in our countrys history, i cannot distance myself from tears cried and hearts that ache over loved ones. and i cannot use wit and sarcasm to remove myself from pain and suffering and a sense that this world is not as it should be.
for this is why christ lived and breathed among us. god could not keep away from the hate, evil, pain, confusion, grief, and suffering that gods people were experiencing and were to experience even to this day. for this is the very state christ places himself in the world. i suppose we are to do the same. sometimes in life we are victims. and sometimes we are caretakers. and always being a caretaker means you have been the victim. that is what the cross symbolizes.
today’s lectionary texts are eerily appropriate, and incredibly difficult, for us today. i wont speak too much on them, but as you noticed from the readings, they are entirely on forgiveness. [*see texts below if you would like] it is not my place to say you, or we as a country, should forgive anyone. only a victim can experience their own suffering and only god can move someone to forgiveness, if that is a possibility in this lifetime.
what i can say, and what has struck me over the last few weeks when i have been turning over awful memories from my own past, is that when christ was among us and to be betrayed by his own brothers and sisters of the human race, his words were: father forgive them. They do not know what they are doing.
we can only be brave enough to even pray for the courage to have forgiveness on our enemies. we can only dream of being a people who, in all sincerity, desires peace and reconciliation not just theoretically, but in our hearts and toward the people who bring destruction into our vulnerable lives and the lives of loved ones.
but let us just imagine god can accomplish the forgiveness christ exemplified in his life and death. what does that mean and look like? none of us are naive enough to believe we can just will such a deep change in our hearts. So then what?
recently i learned of a man who served as the chaplain for the NYC fire department. he was a franciscan priest and his name was father mychal judge. he died as he was rescuing lives in the world trade center on Sept. 11th. immediately after the attacks there were many who ran to church looking for him, but he was not to be found in the church. sometimes in our lives we are caretakers. and sometimes we are victims.
on sept 10th, 2001, the day before the attacks, father mychal gave a homily to the firefighters of new york city. these were his words:
That’s the way it is. Good days. And bad days. Up days. Down days. Sad days. Happy days. But never a boring day on this job. You do what God has called you to do. You show up. You put one foot in front of another. You get on the rig and you go out and you do the job – which is a mystery. And a surprise. You have no idea when you get on that rig. No matter how big the call. No matter how small. You have no idea what God is calling you to. But he needs you. He needs me. He needs all of us.
The retirees – He needs your prayers. He needs your stopping by occasionally to give strength and support and to tell the stories of the old days. We need the house and to those of you that are working now, keep going. Keep supporting each other. Be kind to each other. Love each other. Work together and do what you did the other night and the weeks and the months and the years before and from this house, God’s blessings go forth in this community. It’s fantastic!
What great people. We love the job. We all do. What a blessing that is. A difficult, difficult job and God calls you to it. And then He gives you a love for it so that a difficult job will be well done. Isn’t He a wonderful God? Isn’t He good to you? To each one of you? And to me! Turn to Him each day. Put your faith and your trust and your hope and your life in His hands, and He’ll take care of you and you’ll have a good life.
And this house will be a great, great blessing to this neighborhood and to this city.
Amen.
i think these are prophetic words of forgiveness, for those of us hurting from the tragedy of 9/11, and for those with anger stirring toward any person. ”you do what god has called you to do. you show up. you put one foot in front of the other…and you turn to god each day. put your faith and trust and your hope and your life in gods hands…”
forgiveness is a mystery that only time and god can accomplish in us. and eventually we have to stop calling ourselves victims, and we have to put ourselves back in the world where anything can happen, and take care of people. and look outside of your own hurt for as long as you can manage for that day. and you keep doing it…and you look back ten years later and find that you breathe a little easier than you did each year before.
Thank you, god.
*Lectionary Texts for the day:
Romans 14:1-12
Welcome those who are weak in faith, but not for the purpose of quarreling over opinions. Some believe in eating anything, while the weak eat only vegetables. Those who eat must not despise those who abstain, and those who abstain must not pass judgment on those who eat; for God has welcomed them. Who are you to pass judgment on servants of another? It is before their own lord that they stand or fall. And they will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Some judge one day to be better than another, while others judge all days to be alike. Let all be fully convinced in their own minds. Those who observe the day, observe it in honor of the Lord. Also those who eat, eat in honor of the Lord, since they give thanks to God; while those who abstain, abstain in honor of the Lord and give thanks to God.
We do not live to ourselves, and we do not die to ourselves. If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. For to this end Christ died and lived again, so that he might be Lord of both the dead and the living.
Why do you pass judgment on your brother or sister? Or you, why do you despise your brother or sister? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God. For it is written,
“As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me,
and every tongue shall give praise to God.”
So then, each of us will be accountable to God.
Matthew 18: 21-35
Peter came and said to Jesus, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.
“For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he began the reckoning, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him; and, as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, together with his wife and children and all his possessions, and payment to be made. So the slave fell on his knees before him, saying, `Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the lord of that slave released him and forgave him the debt. But that same slave, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat, he said, `Pay what you owe.’ Then his fellow slave fell down and pleaded with him, `Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ But he refused; then he went and threw him into prison until he would pay the debt. When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. Then his lord summoned him and said to him, `You wicked slave! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt. So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
Filed under: church of the apostles, forgiveness, the past | Leave a Comment
i’m sitting high on this deck, in this house and in this city that i love. i see water and i see mountains and i don’t think i need much else. but i wouldn’t mind falling down below. i’m not scared of losing my balance. i am scared, however, that i welcome the opportunity to fall.
even in places such as this, where the air is perfect and all that surrounds is sheer magnificence – life runs its course. you would think life would stay still in a place with such wonders. but life happens, even here. it happens in beautiful and amazing ways, but it also happens in ways that seem so monumentally sad and stupid, that the darkness which ensues becomes bigger and more powerful that the splendor of those mountains.
i want to want to live and i want to believe you’re worth it – either way.
-ac, Sept. 2011
Filed under: mountains, the past | Leave a Comment
one (orca whale) at a time.
Up top is a picture of a native PNW whale (Lolita), captured in Penn Cove on Whidbey Island in 1970. Below that is her fucking tank she has been kept in since, in Miami Florida. Forty-one years in a concrete tank away from her family she was meant to spend her entire life with, forced to perform for crowds of loud, screaming people.
Since I was fortunate enough to see these wonderful creatures in their native habitat, wild and roaming free, I have become a bit obsessed. They are the most beautiful and intelligent creatures in my eyes. Truly mysterious and remarkable. I have become deeply hurt by our capturing of these creatures and forcing them into our world, for our own enjoyment and benefit…and profit. Now that this particular whale is getting older, they will likely replace her. What happens to a performing orca who no longer performs? If they do not die in captivity, which happens at least 10 years sooner than it would in the wild, then they are screwed because they are no longer fit for the wild and efforts are rarely made to rehabilitate.
Luckily this whale has a chance. A plan has been proposed to the Miami Seaquarium which would bring this whale back to a bay pen on the west side of San Juan Island, where her family can hear her and they can be reunited, while scientists and orca experts re-introduce her to wild-life. Talk about redemption, shit.
Another whale (Morgan) currently in the Netherlands is being rehabilitated and on the verge of making it back into its native waters, so long as the Dutch government denies a Spanish Seaquarium from transporting her into their tank, where she could live isolated as a performing orca for probably yet another 41 years like Lolita.
Both efforts need support. Orcas can be freed and saved, and the cycle can be slowed and stopped one whale at a time. View the Orca Network newsletter for more detailed information and links to advocacy sites.
http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs077/1101447505873/archive/1106907806144.html
I am not an expert on the matter, I just know it is important to me that my kids grow up knowing the majesty of orca whales, and not the magic tricks they can perform at theme parks. I don’t know quite how much we are teaching our children by taking them to these places for a show with loud music and leaping orcas. It isn’t real. It is a lie that we are paying money to be told. Instead I want my kids to know that these creatures are a treasure, and to experience them is perhaps a once in a lifetime gift, and an example of all the wonders this world has to offer apart from our domesticated lives, or from buying a ticket.
note: my parents were amazing and wonderful and loved seeing me happy. so they took me to sea world, san antonio about once every couple of years growing up. i loooooved it. and i think they were trying to expose me and teach me to beautiful things by doing this. i am just saying there are better ways to teach and expose… and it is not our parents responsibility to create those experiences, but it might be ours to advocate for them.
Filed under: orcas, parenting | 1 Comment
i rarely petition
this is an example of how orcas are transported from the wild into captivity. i cant even imagine how traumatizing this process must be. and also an example of the small space, compared to the open waters orcas are made for, that they are expected to live the rest of their lives in isolated, or with orcas unknown to them – point being, apart from their families, who orcas are known for spending their entire lives with in the wild.
there is a young female orca out there right now, who over one year ago, in June 2010, was found alone off the coast of the Netherlands. she was brought into the country’s dolphinarium at Harderwijk for care and attention and there she put on some weight. since then WDCS (Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society) together with other organizations has worked hard to give her the chance of returning to her natural environment.
an application has been made by Loro Parque, Tenerife, Spain (Sea World), to have her transferred to their facility where she would spend the rest of her life as a performing orca, forfeiting all hope of ever returning to the wild and with her family.
as of now, this orca has gained weight and scientists are confident of her ability to return safely to her natural environment, and have developed a multi-stage plan to effectively release her.
please consider signing this petition to the Dutch government, requesting that the application for her transfer to captivity would be denied, so she can swim freely and majestically as nature would have it.
https://secure2.wdcs.org/view_e_protest_common.php?e_protest_select=51&&select=753
a concrete tank is not a place for these beautiful creatures. and there are only a handful out there as it is. so lets try and get this one back home if we can.
for more info: http://www.freemorgan.com/
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
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Recent Entries
- no, i am not engaged.
- Song of the Flower, Kahlil Gibran
- Born This Way…or not
- no leaf is lost in the fall
- the stars neither require nor demand it
- Whales don’t belong in pools. Period.
- something i never thought id do:
- three years ago, not much has changed…
- one (orca whale) at a time.
- i rarely petition
- the most beautiful season is the in-between.
